Simply Mommy: 50/50 parenting, the struggle.

The biological father of my twins and I have a 50/50 parenting plan, which is extra hard considering we live in different states.

So, I get 60 days, then he gets 60 days. It's always been hard, saying bye every two months to the two boys that make my heart beat (now 3 boys!)

It's never been an easy situation to be in, and i'd like to say it gets easier with time, but it doesn't, not even in the slightest. To be completely honest, it gets more excruciating each time.

Especially now that they're to the age where they communicate, and yet not to the age of understanding the situation. It will never be easy to say goodbye, even for a night, or a week, let alone 2 months, but I do think it will get a tad easier when they understand why it is that they have to switch homes, not to mention 50/50 will end once they're of age to start kindergarten

(Court again for primary, a whole other stress in itself!)

But for now, this is the situation at hand and it's getting harder each time especially watching them be so confused on why they can't come see me and why I can't come play and vise versa, why they can't see their dad. This time, has been especially hard, last time I said bye was so difficult, one for me, but two because they were missing out on Tristan as well.

When we'd Skype once a week, I cried every single time. They'd ask me to come play, or say they want to come to mommys house, say they want to kiss baby Tristan, all things that were impossible at the moment.

Broke my heart. And I can't imagine how it looks for them, they don't know WHY mommy can't come play, they don't know WHY mommy isn't there, all they know is they ask me to play, and I don't show up.

Kills me! Then I pick them up for my 60 days, my whole world falls back into place, I'm okay again, all my boys under one roof, couldn't be more happy. But still, even when they're here, there's always hiccups.

For instance this time when I picked them up, they were distraught every time i'd leave the room, screaming, "Mommy don't leave mommy take me with you mommy don't go," even if I just wanted to pee with the door closed they would flip out scared I'm going "bye bye".

Broke my heart! Happy that they've missed me of course, but so hard seeing them so frightened that I'm leaving, because they don't understand I'm never LEAVING them, they're just going to their dads house for a bit.

It's so difficult to even attempt explaining and when I got them back at first, was the hardest it's ever been. Anytime I brought up the farm (their grandma, grandpa and dads house)

They would scream and cry and say things like "no no I wanna stay here with you mommy no I don't wanna go we stay here at yours and daddy zaks house no, no, no," I'd have to calm them down in the middle of their screams explaining that they're staying with me right now, not going anywhere.

They didn't even want to leave our house for the first week and a half. Asked them to go bowling, cry fest saying they don't want to leave, park even, cry Fest.

Was really hard seeing them so upset, and so scared that I would leave them! Now they're getting the hang of things, getting back into routine, not freaking out when I go pee and what not, all great! Then we Skype their dad, and he shows them their toys and new beds and such and the boys start yelling that they want to go to daddy's home.

Yes, I should be happy that they enjoy his house, I am glad about that, but can't help but be a tad bit hurt, ya know? Yes, I'm glad they like his house, but can't help but be sad when they say they want to go there. Then again, they're 3, and very confused, a few hours after that, they again made it very clear they don't want to go, they want to stay here.

It's such a tough situation, more so because they don't understand. It's sad to know that 50/50, is now the norm for most parents that aren't with the biological parent! I totally understand needing both parents, by all means!

Yes, their dad and I have our issues, but I know he loves them and I know they need him in their lives, but I don't see how 50/50 is stable at all.

Yes, they should have both parents in their life, but on more stable grounds. I've always seen some signs why 50/50 was a negative thing, but those "signs" are becoming more and more blunt and clear as time goes on. It's so hard watching them be negatively affected by a situation that I can't change. I wouldn't want this pain put on anyone, and it's sad to know there's so many moms going through this same thing, and so many children stuck in such a difficult, unstable situation that is so confusing! Some situations of 50/50 are even worse!

A friend of mine had 50/50, and instead of 2 months on and off, was 6 months. Can you imagine?! That's half a year of missing out on milestones and funny stories!!!! It's so sad that this has become the normal thing with split parents!

That's what you get though when you have a baby with someone you're not committed to. I wouldn't trade my boys for the world don't get me wrong, but boy do I wish I waited until I was in a committed relationship, that way they'd never have to be in this situation that is showing to be so hard on them. Hurts me to know all of this, is just a repercussion of my decision to have sex before marriage.

Even sadder to think waiting until marriage is considered so "old fashion," but that's a whole other topic in itself!

All in all, just a hard situation, and I know many families could relate. I'm sorry baby boys!!!