Love Dare.

One of my many challenges I am taking on. I started this a while back and things always came up, but the few days I did do it, at the end of the day, I felt so great knowing that that day I showed my husband my love in a specific way. This book is meant to challenge you to love your spouse unconditionally, and in any marriage, I find that being needed. Thats the flaw of today's culture, we all think marriage is conditional and thats why divorce rates are sky rocketing, people think when things get tough, just leave and find something better. When in reality, marriage is meant to be a forever long commitment, but if you love the other with "conditions," its pretty impossible to make it to the infinite "forever" people talk about because when conditions pop up, you bail. People today always think that the grass is greener on the other side, and I will tell you first hand, it's not! My husband and I were separated for a short period of time and I kept repeating to myself that I would find something better and that it's okay that my first marriage didn't work cause my second will, and that was wrong. I saw what was out there, had guys asking me on dates and hitting on me and all of the above, and even though separated I did stay faithful but it didn't change the fact that no one compared, no one was "him." I have a bond with my husband that I couldn't shake, and i'm glad I didn't because once we decided to work through it, it truly has gotten so much better. I am happier now than when I first married him (which any married couple knows is a big deal, the start of a marriage and the "honeymoon" stage is normally what everyone wants to go back to). So I will tell you first hand, the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence, its greener where you water it.

With that all said, I am starting this book where I left off last (that way I have room to write each day) Today's lesson showed me exactly why I am starting this again, hit right at home for me. It spoke a lot about what I wrote above. How in our culture people think you can just ditch your spouse and find a "newer model." But it speaks about the bond between husband and wife, "You are part of one another," it says. It goes on to say; "Your identity as individuals has been joined into one." What a way to think, some people think if you lose yourself in a relationship that it's a bad thing, in reality you are supposed to lose yourself and become one. "When you mistreat your mate, you are also mistreating yourself." I love that, it is so true! When you wrong your spouse or hurt them, in turn you truly are hurting yourself. Even though you hurt them, you love them, so when you see them hurt, in turn don't you also feel some pain watching them suffer? I know I sure do! The next part is what truly hit me hard, it goes on to say how when you look at your spouse, you are looking at a part of you, says for men to treat her well, and women to:

Thats what got me. I know i'm not the only wife that talks to friends, or my mom especially, about all the negative things about my husband. I find myself REGULARLY calling my mom or talking to a girlfriend about everything my husband did today that drove me CRAZY and i've recently noticed, that on the days I talk badly of him, when he comes home I am extra on edge and irritated with him, normally over NOTHING at all! But on the days I speak highly, even if he did something that upset me that day, the days I choose to say all the good things about him, like how he helps me with the kids right when he gets home, or always kisses me goodbye, runs errands without the tiniest bit of irritation even though he worked all day, when I find myself saying out loud the list of great things about him, when he comes home i'm ready to jump in his arms and remind him of my love for him! Speaking highly of someone is a challenge for anyone, it's so much easier to say the bad! But this will be something I work on for the rest of my life in my marriage because even though he forgot to put the dang bag back in the can after taking the trash out, he truly is amazing and I need to voice it more to the public!

Another challenge for me! I find myself always asking him to do things, dishes, making a bottle, errands, whatever it may be, but I rarely find myself asking what he would like of ME! Challenge accepted :) something else to work on!

This book is so great, yet another one hitting home for me. Today, it talked about disagreements in a marriage, speaks on how some things are okay to be "unbendable" on, such as morals or beliefs, but that many marriages have these never ending, never changing fights that never become settled, randomly just pop up in conversation, and never fails to start a fight. These fights tend to be repetitive, because of the fact neither of you will budge, the fight itself never changes, and never gets a different outcome, because no ones budging! Boy oh boy, we have some of those never ending fights. It gets so frustrating, no matter how many times we discuss or fight over these, very simple things, it's NEVER over! Getting mad over small things, is definitely a HUGE flaw of mine. I find myself getting furious about such small, mindless things. Like the other morning, he made Tristan a bottle, and gave it to him and it wasn't warm for him, I was so mad at him for it, raised my voice and all, without even for a second thinking, wow what a simple thing to get so flustered about! Not to mention, at least he made a bottle!!! Many men don't help with their kids, I am blessed with a man that does! This passage talks about being flexible, no not your muscles, but your pride. Just give in on some of these reoccurring arguments that never end. Its funny, because the second you say, "Okay, well do it your way," and give in, the fight is OVER!!! "Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 2:5) The "attitude" being spoken of, is the attitude of willingness, flexibility, and humble submission. It means laying down for the good of others what you have the right to claim for yourself. For me, its not a pride thing, I really don't care about being right or "winning" the argument, its about being strong in my word. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, so when I say no to something with my husband, or say I don't agree, I stick to it and close my mind off to thinking any other way because I feel like if I change my mind, then I lied before, and if I lie about one thing, who's to say he wont think I lie about others. I'm huge on trust, the second my words stop meaning anything, is the second I become an untrustworthy person. It's a good characteristic, along with a big flaw of mine. It's good that i'm such a strong minded person and keep my word, but bad in the fact I never compromise for the good of others. Something to work on thats for sure! I need to just give in:

"You've already lost the fight by making this issue more important than your marriage and your spouses sense of worth." Wow, straight to the point, sounds harsh, and you know what, it is! Yet completely true! When you constantly shut someone down, and are unwilling to bend, how could they, or their words, feel worth anything at all to you? And boy am I guilty for saying things out of anger when i'm standing strong on these pointless arguments! Yet another work in progress.

Really, what will these arguments mean for eternity? NOTHING! So why not just give in, yeah then you "lose" and give in, but  why not? If you're going to give in to anyone, why not your partner, the love of your life, who better to set yourself aside for, then your other half?

This dare will be a lifelong thing I work on, not just a dare of the day, but something that will be a lifelong battle within myself in order to love my man the way a wife should lover her husband. 

Man, this book rocks! Todays passage was about fighting, the inevitable thing every relationship will always have. There will never be a perfect relationship, but you can choose to view your relationship perfectly. Considering that fighting will be a part of your marriage for the rest of your life, and since fights have a tendency to bring a marriage to breaking point, it'd a good idea to learn HOW to deal with  disagreements with your spouse that can strengthen your marriage as apposed to defeat it. 

This passage talks about fighting rules, guidelines you bot use, "we" rules, and guidelines you make for yourself, "me" rules. And boy, were they perfect! The number one "we" rule, is we will never mention divorce.. Oh boy, that will be a challenge for me. I tend to threaten it when I get extremely upset, knowing I wont really leave him, I threaten it just to show him how serious I am, very big flaw that I am regularly struggling with and working on. Number 2 hit me hard as well, never mention past events that are not related to the situation at hand. Wow, guilty again on multiple accounts! I do this regularly and just in the past few weeks i've realized, that the more I bring up the past, the harder it's getting for me to move on from it. It's like spitting gasoline on the fire, the fight gets worse and my anger from the past is now no longer left in the past. It's so wrong of me to do, I chose to forgive him for those past events, we chose to stay together and make it work despite the past, and yet I bring it up like it happened yesterday? Not fair, and that's why just within the past month or so, i've chosen not to mention anything from the past that doesn't need to be talked about, and boy have our fights and my feelings gotten so much better! I also liked rule number 3, not fighting in public or in front of our children. LOVE that one, and we've come so far with that, I literally cannot remember the last time we fought or raised our voices at each other in front of our kids. I also really liked rule number 6, never go to bed angry! YES!!! Never go to bed with unresolved issues, taking a time out is okay, but sleeping while angry, doesn't work, you should sleep in the same bed, and cuddle, every single night that you are able, and being angry will put a big gaping hole in that routine. 7. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION <3

My favorite "me" rule that I will start following, like i've mentioned before, i'm very guilty of using harsh words when my emotions are all stirred up.

Can't wait to have this talk, especially because the way we "fight" has come such a long way, and would love to see how much further we can get after following these guidelines! 

Oh my, couldn't have read this on a better day, I needed this one the second I started reading, I knew it was going to come in handy today. It talks about CHOOSING to love your spouse, emotions fall, change, fade, but if you choose to love your spouse, it's an unwavering bond. Right away, the first paragraph almost brought tears to my eyes because it hit so close to home for me:

When I read "you should not just follow your heart," my initial reaction was.. Uhm, what? I've gone through my whole life following my heart and constantly being told and telling others to follow mine, and their heart why is that suddenly a bad thing? Right when I read that, my mind went into like a movie montage of all the times hearing, and choosing, to "follow my heart," why should I suddenly change that? As I read on, all of my questions were answered, and my mind swayed, I changed my mind about, basically the only feeling and belief that has never faltered or changed in my mind, or my life, everything is different for me now! Following your heart in some ways, yes is great, but on the other hand, if you're emotions are whats driving you, who's really driving? You, or your anger? You, or your frustration? You, or your pain? I have a regular tendency to give my emotions the wheel, and boy, its been a BUMPY ride and I never understood why, yet the answer is so easy! If my emotions are constantly changing (and come on, i'm a woman, they're constantly changing) and being "bumpy," why wouldn't the "ride" be just as "bumpy"? SIMPLE! WOW! By all means, have emotion, but let your mind be the driver! "If you're irritable, it's because you choose to be." What a way to put it, and what control I have that I never truly knew! As I was saying before, it hit me hard today, not only because my life long belief had now changed, but because I was in the middle of choosing to be irritated with my husband, and it was setting off my entire day and I was so bothered, and then read this, and instantly thought, "I'm going to choose my emotions, and i'm letting this negative one GO!" And thats exactly what I did, and literally to my surprise, IT WORKED! I instantly felt better, my husband came home from work, I gave him a huge hug and kiss, and we went out and played with the kids and had a great time! What an empowering feeling to know I CONTROL where my emotions lead me! It goes onto bring the lesson into specifically the marriage area, says its natural to have days where (if your emotions are leading you) you just don't love your spouse, but if you start now, and start CHOOSING to love them, everything will change, and divorce, wont even be a default plan! 

To be completely honest, i'm the later of the two. It will be a big leap, not because I don;t love my husband, but because i've gone my whole life, with the main core of my beliefs being to "follow my heart," and now i'm going to have to learn, and practice, the polar opposite! But it's a very positive, and empowering feeling I have taking this leap, and taking control of my own life and my own heart!

And that's what i've done, I've promised to live out forever, and eternity, with this one man, and some days I know exactly why I love him, and others, I do forget! And that's because I've been feeding off my emotions, and my emotions only, today, THAT CHANGES!

Today was yet another great message, that put a new light on my marriage, and a new challenge for my life. Todays passage talked about two words, honor, and holy. Honor was the first one talked about:

Honor, what a word! I've mentioned many times before, that the way I speak to him, and of him, is something i'm regularly working on, and it's been brought up regularly in this book, which goes to show that the way you speak to and of your spouse, has a HUGE impact on a marriage, and the way you show your love to your spouse. "You keep your language clean," I've been doing better I will say that, but I will also admit I have a long way to go, it will be a constant work in progress for the rest of my life, why? Because I love my husband. "Honor is a noble word," it says, noble! It says honoring your spouse means giving them your fill attention, not one eye on the TV while hearing them speak, or talking to them while thinking about what to cook for dinner. THAT will be a challenge for me, I mean come on, I have 3 kids, a cat, a dog, and a house to care for, its hard for me to truly listen when he rants about work, or whatever it may be I cant help but sit here and think of everything I need to get done or get distracted at my twins UFC fighting in the kitchen, but he deserves my full attention he truly does, and I need to work on giving it to him. How could you show someone you respect them if you don't even give them your attention while they're talking to you. 

Next up, Holy:

Wow, not what I expected when I saw the word "holy" on this page. Instantly when I hear "holy," I think God, but to think your spouse should be holy, and the way it's described, it's so true. "Holiness means they are set apart for a higher purpose" "special and unique." Your spouse should be set apart from the rest, I mean come on, it's the person you chose to be with for the rest of your life, they are special, and they should know how special they are to you! "He is sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised, and defended," so beautifully said, and something for me to work on!

This is where it really got me reeled in (as if I wasn't before). "Love honors even when rejected. Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return." WHAT A CHALLENGE! One of my biggest issues, if not talking out of anger, is feeling like you should spit fire on fire. What I mean is, when i'm miss perfect to my husband, and he's a jerk in return, I can't help but feel, "Why should I even try?" Obviously, I don't give up on loving him when he's a butt, but I do contemplate on stopping trying so hard, and I shouldn't!

Instantly, the first words I read, were ones I needed to hear:

By no means am I implying I have some awful husband, he is fantastic and I absolutely love him, but there are things I've been regularly trying to change. For example, I just wish he was a little more romantic, or spiritual, just little things that I want different, or better, but what a thing to hear, "You cannot change your spouse," well, I've been wasting my time then trying to! It explains so well why you are unable to change your spouse, because they have to change themselves. It says how this book is not meant to help you change them, instead, to help you love them which in turn might make them want to change, who doesn't change at least a little or become happier when feeling truly loved and cared for. Then it goes on to explain:

Something i've been slacking on, prayer. It is effective, I've seen it work, I just forget, my life gets so hectic that taking time to pray goes un-thought of, but again, something to work on! (Man this book is challenging me to look inward!)

How empowering is that? God gave you, YOU, no one else, such an amazing insight to your spouse in order to enable you to be the one person who truly knows how to pray for them, and think, if you're not praying for them, who is? Who knows them better than you? NO ONE, and they deserve prayers! This next part, was perfect, because I instantly thought, how do I pray for him? What do I pray for? ANSWER:

Hit the nail right on the head for EXACTLY what I need to say in my prayers for my husband. Pray for his heart, for strength in all of his trials. For his responsibilities before God, in my case, his belief and struggles with connecting to God. Truth to replace the lies, nothing specific but he is human, there are lies. Forgiveness to replace bitterness, more for me to replace my bitterness with forgiveness towards him. Breakthrough, yeah were doing good, but always room to do better! Love, honor, romance, intimacy, all things there, but needing nourished in order to grow. I know I say this everyday, but I NEEDED THIS PASSAGE!

To be completely honest, the scripture itself was a bit confusing for me, wasn't quite sure how to take it or how it would come to mean something about my marriage, but as it explained what today's dare was about, I understood a lot more. First it explains how you can be close to a friend, a sibling, parents, whatever the case may be, but:

So very true, who else do you share this type of intimacy with? No one! (and if you do, you should probably tell your spouse asap!) I love the way this passage goes on to explain what it is we need in this life and why we crave this intimate relationship. "Each of us come into this life with an inborn hunger to be known, loved, and accepted." How true is that? All of us want that, yeah some people put on this facade that "I'm better off on my own," or "I'm okay with being alone I don't need love," but in reality, yeah we don't NEED it, but we all want it! Even if not marriage, just loved, accepted, visible to people or loved ones.

Couldn't be more true, hit the nail right on the head. Loving someone so deeply, and sharing such a bond is fantastic, but so scary, that person has the most power, more than anyone else, to just rip you apart and break everything inside of you. I know it's true in my case at least. I love my husband, and I love the bond we share, but boy does it scare me! If one day he were to up and leave, my life, my heart, my world, would be turned upside down! That's a scary feeling! No I wont be cheesy and unrealistic and say my life would end if he weren't in it, I mean come on, I have 3 kids to make me happy and take care of I can't go anywhere, but I would be shattered and lost. It goes onto ask a few questions, asks about how are the secrets you know of your spouse reasons for shame, or closeness and vise versa.. What a tough question to answer! In my marriage personally, there's a bit of both, there's things he's done in the past that I still look at him differently for, and not specifically in a good way, and i'm sure he feels the same way. Then it asks if your spouse makes you feel safe or scared? (Obviously they mean emotion wise, not life safety, but if your scared for your life you should probably call someone!) Another great question, and for me, both again. I feel safe with him in the fact I can open up to him and not fear any judgement or ridicule, but sometimes I do wonder how safe my heart truly is to be sitting in his hands. 

Right where my fear is, seeking elsewhere. I find myself regularly fearing that if I don't look good, or please him constantly, that he will seek someone else and that's my biggest fear. But, i've never realized that maybe I'm not making our home feel like his safe place. No, i'm not by any means implying he's cheating on me or even questioning that he is, but will he is my fear. Maybe if I made sure he feels safe in our home, and in my heart, maybe my fears will fade, only time will tell! As it goes on, it gets more in depth about how you should feel in your own home, and together, "Your mate should not feel pressured to be perfect in order to receive your approval." Very true, and i've heard him tell me how he can't be perfect and I've never wanted or expected him to be, but I need to ensure he knows that I do not expect him to be perfect, I love him, flaws and all! I also find myself feeling like I need to be perfect, so something to talk to him about for sure. "Your closeness should only intensify your intimacy. Being "naked" and "not ashamed" (Genesis 2:25) This speaking on your marriage, you should feel not only comfortable in your emotional and physical intimacy, but closer, stronger, better. This is a tough one for me, i'm not by any means perfect physically, and I get very down on myself at times, I mean come on here, I've had 3 kids, my body isn't what it used to be and it gets to me. I find myself sometimes wanting to wear a shirt during intimate times, or feeling ashamed when my shirt comes up a little, it's really something for me to work out internally, and something I need to talk to my husband about making me feel more comfortable. Also, I need to ask how he feels about our intimacy, emotionally and physically, how he feels about my acceptance of him and such. Last quote i'll give from this passage, "you can be an agent of healing and repair--not by lecturing, not by criticizing,  but by listening in love and offering support." Perfect. 

The first paragraph itself, talk about how in todays world, we have everything at our fingertips, and we use it! I wan't a gun, I (well, my husband) researches and researches for weeks and weeks, studying anything and everything possible on the subject at hand. 

I feel I know my husband very well, but there are some things that maybe I don't fully know. I don't know about his childhood, things like that, because I wasn't there, therefore I don't really know what makes him the man I feel like I know today. Yeah, I know the second he walks in the door, just by his facial expression, how his day went and if he's hungry but do I really know what his inner most being is? Maybe, maybe not, I'm not sure. At the beginning of the relationship, the dating times, you did study each other. You asked favorite colors, numbers, songs, fears, likes, dislikes, everything that you could think of, you asked. Why? Because you wanted to know them!! A lot changes over the year, I know my fears, likes, dislikes, song choices all have changed, I'm sure his has too, but we never ask, because we assume we know.. 

So true, don't get me wrong, I love my man and he is still my prince, but in a completely different way than he use to. I love him more than I did before, yes, but again, in a different way. All women, and men, do that! I didn't live with him, I didn't know how dirty he could be, or smelly on some days and such, he was perfect! Then you get married, and it does change, in good and bad ways!

I'll be asking some of these thats for sure!

It truly is, what better is there to study, and take time for, then the love of your life?

Something I will be working on, and maybe I'll love him even more than I do today!! Unsure if thats possible I love him quite a bit, but we shall see :)

Uhm, COULDN'T LOVE THIS MORE!

This love dare thing, is a secret like thing you're doing. You're not sure the outcome, or even the true point and core meaning and need of it all, but heres one HUGE answer that I didn't see coming.

At first, reading this, I was at a loss, kind of thinking like, well what am I doing then? If I cant love him unconditionally, why am I doing this book IN ORDER to love him unconditionally? Then I read on..

Until reading this passage I was 50/50 on this belief. Part of me was believing if I worked hard enough I could love him unconditionally, but if you really read scriptures, and believe in what they say, this is true, you can not love the way God loves us, without God filling our hearts! And history proves it, my love has failed countless times, because I have been incapable of loving him truly and fully! Countless times I've over reacted, countless times I didn't show forgiveness, or even offer it, countless times I've been rude or hurtful, all because I am incapable of loving him that way I truly want to. You 

can't give what you don't have. How could you love someone unconditionally, if you don't have God in your heart, life, and decisions? The One that loves you unconditionally, forgives, accepts, care, protects, you, if you don't believe in His love, how could you offer it? God can give you that love, and in turn, you can offer it to your spouse!

"So this unsettling secret-as defeating as it may feel-has a happy ending for those who will stop resisting and will receive the love God has for them."

I personally have had Christ in my life, I am a believer, but I fall short, as anyone else. I am slacking badly, and I feel God drawing me in, but I always find a reason not to get as close to Him as i'd like, not to go to church like i'd like or show my beliefs the way I want to. I also find myself feeling like, my guilt of not being who i'm wanting to be, keeps me from drawing him closer the way I need. 

Empowering, heart warming, and freeing to hear! "He is willing to forgive you," that's exactly what I needed to hear.